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Is Farris Goldstein gonna have to choke a bitch?

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Keeping Up With the Joneses

September 17th, 2005 · 15 Comments · Potpourri

I must admit it’s been some time
Since Farris shared his silly rhyme
But rest assured, I’ve been in touch
Though you may not have heard me much

I’ve kept up with what news I could
Of all the things in ellejayhood
And though I know there’s more than that
Here’s what I’ve learned from blogs and chats:

Miki’s having a weenie roast
I’m sad to say, I’ll miss the toasts
But Billy F. in Arlington
Is bringing back the poker fun

That tall, thin chick with whom I worked
Will soon buy flesh to fill her shirt
Some say she’s plenty, and she should flaunt ’em
But says the girl, “Screw off, I want ’em!”

Her man as well wants more on his chest
But just some jewelry, not new breasts
It’s just as well, ’cause I’d prefer
He kept a cup size less than hers

And then there’s Pastor D, whose whim
Might bring us dirty pics of him…
Ok, not dirty, but concept art
With tasteful views of naughty parts

Jess I think we should tie down
And force-feed Honchie ’til she’s found
The light the rest of us have seen:
Liquor thievin’ bitches and NASCAR dreams

And poor Johann, his domicle
Leaves him Netless for a while
But being a nerd who loves free porn
He’ll jack in soon, don’t be forlorned

The California newlyweds
Love’s made them goofy in the head
If I’m wrong, then tell me how
They’d let a Swede conduct their vows

Several other couples soon
Will tie that knot of love and doom
I’ll wear a tux on Rob’s big day
And be Acugirl’s DJ

Big Huge Redhead Dad Of Sorts
Has ditched his desk and phone support
Now he flies all o’er the place
And supports the morons face to face

Erica, not just a mom
Is still a badass, still the bomb
Hopefully next year she’ll see
The Man on fire with the gang and me

Minky Zoe, Dad and Mom
Are settling into their new home
I wish Dad’s work he could discuss
But if he did, he’d have to kill us

Ms. Bleu it seems has reached her aim
Of being called by her last name
She runs a room of midget folks
Let’s hope she doesn’t buy them smokes

The other teacher nixed his username
Just two words for him: “Loser, lame.”

Andi writes, but never calls
And never comes to hang at all
She lurks a lot, but so do I
Next party I’ll give her one more try

Effulgent C. and Monogodo D.
Are on the road to see family
And while their gone, my friendblog feeds
Take half their usual time to read.

Jaclyn rarely writes these days
But when she does we’re quite amazed
Everything she types is art
I’ve rewritten this line so man times because when thinking of the word “art” in the context of Jaclyn, all I can think about is the time she was crawling around on the floor and I accidentally did something near her face that rhymes with “art”

MurrMurr got a brand new gig
I hope it’s something he can dig
I’m still a little sad to hear
He didn’t get the one that was so near

Monica’s now a true weather nerd
Helping to make forecasts less absurd
Maybe soon she can tell us all why
Weathermen wear such hideous ties

Amanda’s now in school for law
Learning how to sue all y’all
As rillifane’ll tell you, be kind a bit:
Attorneys can totally ruin your shit

Stacey’s just a wee bit ill
With plenty of idle time to kill
And Alan wants to store his kit
Right here so we can play with it

Steven Harper Sylvia Stout
Will not take the garbage out
Why’d he get this silly stanza?
Well, duh, because he’s a silly manza.

Jason’s band is gettin’ hot
They gig in Austin quite a lot
Hopefully they’ll come this way
And somewhere in Deep Ellum play

And Baby, whom I do adore
Has started school and so much more
Although she’s taking fifteen(!) hours
Her job at the newspaper she devours

I’m sure I’ve missed a few of you
But if I did, don’t cry “boohoo”
Just drop a line and say “DO ME!”
I’ll do you, then I’ll write poetry.

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