The Gentle News

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The unquestionable humor of a family of law nerds

February 11th, 2008 · 3 Comments · Potpourri

I’m cleaning out my office in preparation for the possible sale of our house so that we might purchase a “better” one. As I file away various items of Goldstein memorabilia, I come across a copy of the program from my grandfather’s memorial. Within it are various letters written to and from Papa and some other family members, including myself.

The following is the text of a very official looking document on numbered-line stationery. The back-story is that my cousin, who (like all of us kids) enjoyed spending time at our grandparents’ house quite often, had been grounded for some infraction over which responsible parents ground their children. Names have been changed to protect yo mama.

TO: The Honorable Court Of FamilyName Appeals

Now comes the petitioner Cousin A. FamilyName praying the Court’s indulgence to consider the following facts, situations, and circumstances:

I. The petitioner in no way disputes her guilt as determined by the court in the first action.

The petitioner in no way disputes the jurisdiction, justice, nor authority of the court’s sentence in the first action.

II. WHEREAS during the petitioner’s incarceration, her aged grandmother has suffered severely from the deprivation of said petitioner’s physical assistance and companionship. This suffering has resulted in an almost complete loss of appetite, with resultant loss of health and weight.

WHEREAS during the same period, and as a result of both the incarceration of the petitioner (who therefore has not been present in the grandmother’s household to neither consume eatables nor cause nauseating sounds to issue from the radio) and the ensuing loss of said grandmother’s appetite, the petitioner’s grandfather has prospered and begun to to gain both weight and a mood of tranquility which said grandmother finds most objectionable.

III. THEREFORE the petitioner herein begs that the court take judicial notice of the hardship, suffering, misery, loss of health, loss of companionship, and the disruption of her aging grandmother’s happy home caused by her incarceration and permit said petitioner to remedy said sad situation by granting her furlough to visit said grandmother. Said grandmother will guarantee both the proper conduct and prompt return of the petioner.

IV. The petitioner further prays that the court consider said petitioner’s conduct, demeanor, and behavior during said furlough {should the court grant it} with a view toward reviewing, and possibly mitigating and/or reducing the sentence imposed in the first instance.

Respectfully Submitted,

Grandmother A. Goldstein
Goldstein & Goldstein, Inc.


Lead Counsel for Petitioner


Papa F. Goldstein, Sr.

Assistant Counsel for Petitioner

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