I just had a very brief, but somewhat frightening, thought experiment. I was in the bathroom, reading a story from Wil Wheaton in a book B has, and it occurred to me that I’ve never even tried to wipe my ass with my left hand. Could I do it if I needed to? What if I lost the right one, or it was crippled to the point of uselessness?
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to relearn this simple act we, at least those of us not blessed with the patiently honed skill or innate talent for ambidexterity, take for granted. If it were even possible, how long would it take, and while learning would I need… help? Holy shit, who would help? Who would I WANT to help me? I’d like to think that B and I have a strong enough connection that either of us could do what was necessary to help the other in such crises. But I also think that I’d much prefer never to test that theory. I suppose I could rig up some sort of assistive device. I’ll bet such a device already exists, is expensive, and wouldn’t be covered by my terrible insurance. We could just get a bidet, then I’d really only need to dry myself.
Screw it, we’d probably just hire (purchase?) a midget.
If you’re a midget and you’re offended… Well, good for you. Way to be proud. If you’re a midget and you find this funny, let’s hook up and play poker or go to a strip club or something.
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