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If I jumped every time a light came on around here I’d end up talking to myself

April 30th, 2009 · No Comments · Potpourri

I’ve refrained from writing much lately. I’m not even going to pretend I know exactly why. Laziness, fear, depression, ennui. Whatever. I’ve pussed out, and it doesn’t matter why. This thing is supposed to be a way to update people I don’t see as often as I’d like on how my life is going. And I don’t even know how my life is going.

I do know that one thing keeping me from just shitting out all the confusion in my head is that I’ve grown hip to the fact that I’m not at all capable of articulating how I actually feel or think about things. Furthermore, when I try, I end up offending, hurting, and smothering people I care about. The end result is that I don’t get what I want or need anyway. So I’d rather just shut up and watch, and when I feel like the moment is right throw in my own little piece of brain and hope somebody picks it up and eats it.

Because of my own social retardation, I end speaking in generalities a lot. And most times, I’m way wrong about those generalities. So maybe the only way for me to actually write or create anything is for me to try to study my thoughts enough to find the right mix of generalities and specifics. The most important person in the world often tells me to just say what I mean rather than assume and react. But when I say (or do) what I want, I end up pushing that person away. So I’ve kept most of it to myself lately, and as a result it appears that we’ve grown even more disjoint in what we want, and how we think things are growing.

Another reason I don’t write nearly as much, at least publicly, is that there are people reading my garbage that really don’t need to be burdened with the knowledge of just how much garbage there is in my head these days. People I’m responsible for who need to know I’ve got shit together and not that I’m spending every waking hour of my day juggling the stress of my job with the constant fear that I’m going to lose everything I have due to external factors over which I have no control and my inability to express what I want and need without coming across as dictatorial and overbearing.

So there, I kinda said it. I’m miserable. It actually feels good to say it, because, no matter how others read it, I’m not fishing for support or fan letters. I’m admitting something to an audience other than myself rather than continuing to seek advice from people who don’t want me to burden them further one-on-one. Not to say I won’t continue to seek one-on-one advice when I think I need it. This is just one example of me trying to balance the general with the specific. I’m working on it. A lot.

In closing… What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?

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