The Gentle News

There are times during each day when I just have to do something with my hands and eyes because the rest of me is performing multiple functions over which I have negligible control. I’m not *just* referring to water closet tasks, but that’s the only example that comes to fingers at the moment. Over the last 2.78 decades I’ve come across numerous shovels and rakes and implements of destruction to aid in this requirement, some of them productive in and of themselves.

One of the first I can remember is a pair of Hit Stix. I wore out at least two pair running around the house beating the air, myself and various family valuables. I’m sure if I got my hands on some now I’d wonder how I ever found them entertaining, but I did. I had some Hit Keys, too, but they were far less functional than any of the several Casio keyboards at my disposal, so I rarely found much use for them. They probably ended up going to a dirty-lipped neighbor kid for a quarter in a garage sale.

I wish I could find a picture of me with my giant (to me, at the time) plush Fievel. Fievel got to watch all the mundane shit that grade-schoolers go through, even the ones that said grade schoolers rarely ever tell anyone else about later. The F-man and I were somewhat inseparable until my brother puked all over him and he had to be euthanized. The mouse, not the brother.

The subsequent lineup of physical distractions, for lack of a better word, mostly remained within the realm of electronic trinkets. Computers, video games, bulletin board systems, digital calculator watches, talking Ninja Turtles. When I was thirteen a third-hand, black, short-neck Hondo electric guitar and Crate GX12 practice amp with an upside down logo put a new twist on the affair. Near the end of high school things like Zippos and slap bracelets gave the transistors and batteries an occasional break.

The evolution of the mobile phone has given me many new hand-eye toys. I was playing (well, sort of) with the Magic 8 Ball app on my T-Mobile G1 when something terrifying hit me. I’ve always used a Magic 8 Ball to make decisions about what I want or need to do. I can’t come up with any answers on my own, so I ask a question, shake something (or someone) and wait for an answer. It’s rare that I don’t “like” the answer it gives me, because I didn’t really know what I wanted in the first place. But sometimes I don’t understand the answer, which makes sense given that it’s as close to random as any earthly machine can generate. But I go crazy and get irrational, begging for some kind of resolution.

I can’t just put it aside and realize it’s a damn game. So I shake some more and the game escalates.

Farris: "Is it really going to happen?"

8Ball: "Better not tell you now."

Farris: "Is there anything I can do to stop it?"

8Ball: "Yes."

Farris: "Should I stop it?"

8Ball: "Don't count on it."

Farris: "What the hell does that mean?"

8Ball: "Very doubtful"

Farris: "No, seriously, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
Should I just put you down and go do something else?"

8Ball: "Cannot predict now."

Farris: "Am I doing something really stupid right now?

8Ball: "As I see it, yes."

Farris: "What's wrong with you?"

8Ball: "If you shake me one more goddamn time I'm going
to throw up, and then you'll throw up and there won't be
anybody to clean up the mess."

I don’t like this. I don’t like being incapable or unwilling to truly make decisions on my own. I’m sure there are plenty of exceptions to this, but I can’t conjure any at the moment.

In an effort to gain direction and perspective, I’ve tried to be quiet more often lately. Every time a question or curiosity hatches in my brain and starts tunneling its way to my mouth, I grab a harsh liquid and gargle or swallow until it’s close enough to dead it can’t escape. But I haven’t stopped shaking that damn 8 Ball. I need to. I need to know whether I can actually find ways to ask myself questions and receive answers I can get behind.

Reading over this again, it’s appalling to me how much it comes across like I’m just using people I care about as some sort of crystal ball without any respect or regard for what they really feel or think. So I’m going to stop shaking this content management system looking for an answer.