I’m starting, and ending, a new blog series today. I’m certain that it’s vital information to a lot of of readers out there, my page hits and clickthroughs will skyrocket, and I’ll be able to retire by tomorrow. I’d suggest you set this aside and read it when you have plenty of time to absorb it, maybe with a cup of tea and some Paganini to set the mood.
The title of this one-post series is “Peace, Happiness, and the Road To Near-Complete Enlightenment.” It’s quite simple really, and I won’t bog you down with all sorts of details and step-by-step instructions, because there are no details and there is only one step. Relax and prepare to feel almost totally at one with the universe and all of those friends you miss seeing regularly but suspect you might never want to associate with again.
And here it is, the tried and possibly-true method to achieving your goals and fulfilling your every internal need:
Have a bunch of money. A shitload, if possible.
That’s it. No seminars, no progressive retraining of your mind and body to accept a slowly changing daily routine. Just be rich, it’ll almost certainly change your life, for better or worse.
Think about it for a few seconds. No, that’s too many seconds, I said a few. Did you think it too far? It’s OK, you can try again, and we’ll go slower this time.
Think about it for a second, how many rich people do you know that have it all together and spend every hour of their day doing whatever they want? Oh, you couldn’t read that fast enough, it took more than one second? Sorry, I sometimes forget that I type much faster than I read. Third time’s a charm, here we go:
Think about it. NOW STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. Be rich. Rich people never have problems of any sort and do whatever it takes to be in control of their lives while making sure all of the little people respect and admire them.
There you have it, and I promise it might work for you. Of course, your mileage will definitely vary. Considering a hybrid vehicle? Don’t do it. Unless you’re already rich. In that case, aren’t those things fucking cool as shit? You want one, get it. Show it off to everyone. Wash it in the middle of a Wal-Mart parking lot and stop to let the pre-rich folks touch it briefly as they carry out their overripe produce and under-engineered Blu-Ray players to their pre-owned Subarus and Nissans. This is called “philanthropy.”
Of course, this method doesn’t work for me. I mean, I could do it, but I just don’t think I’m the get-rich-quick type. I’m more of the super-optimistic, smile-while-you-struggle artist type, always looking for a new outlet and never finding the right plug. But, really, this method could work for anybody.
One caveat: If you’re considering quitting your job and working for yourself, nip that shit right in the ass. Nobody likes those smug freelancer assholes who work two hours a week in their Invader Zim boxers and spend the rest of their time either jacking off or going to the local Karaoke bar where they tell everyone how eternally liberating self-employment is. Don’t be that guy. Find a better way to be rich.