I’ll post a receipt, some general info about what I cooked and how, and then something resembling a recipe that you might use to attempt the dish yourself.

Steak, cheap.

Dish: Beef Tenderloin with Grilled Broccoli, Pan Fried Garlic & Eggplant, and hummus.

Grocery Store Damage: $19.28

Bought and Didn’t Use: Basil. Trust me, it won’t go to waste.

What Was Missing: Garlic on the steak. I cooked this on the Foreman, since my propane grill is currently overseas. Since the Foreman gets rid of a shitload of juice/fat/flavor, it could have used a little kick. It’s been a while. I miss my grill.

Why This Was An Adventure: This was the first time I’ve ever really attempted to use eggplant. I bought some once a few years ago, but chickened out. With some roasted garlic, it was tasty as hell.

Better Name For Dish: You tell me. I don’t have a photo of this one, but I intend to have them for subsequent meals. Hopefully my resident photographer will lend a hand there.

Meal Price, Adjusted: Less than $8 per head.

Brian May Says: “Call it simplistic, but if this inaugural dish were the Big Bang, the Universe would be far more delicious!”

“Recipe”: Soaked some beef tenderloins in yogurt, salt, Lee & Perrin (just a drop), pepper, and cumin. Dusted some broccoli with salt, pepper & thyme. Fried some fresh garlic in olive oil, then pan-fried some salted eggplant in that same oil. Grilled the broccoli for about two minutes, then place it on top of the eggplant and covered the pan, decreasing heat to low. Grilled tenderloins for about two minutes on each side. Arranged on plate around a dollop of store-bought (Sabra) hummus.

Wish I had a picture. The broccoli was greener than I’d ever served, and I actually ate all that I served myself. That’s a first when it comes to veggies. The eggplant tasted more or less like slightly exotic garlic mashed potatoes.

Brian May knows physics. Brian May knows music. Brian May don’t know cooking.

Let me rephrase. I’ll bet you a meal that Brian May won’t read my recipes. I’ll bet Brian May a meal that you won’t read my recipes. Prove either of us wrong, and you win. Feel free to collect anywhere, and at anytime. If your name is Brian May, please call ahead.

I know a little about cooking, and I know a lot about eating. I know more about buying than I care to admit.

The Gentle News concept is now this: one receipt, one meal, and one story. I’ll give you, sweet Internets, one of each, every single day, or else I’ll give you nothing. I’m bound to break that promise now and again. If you know me in person, surprise me and show up for dinner. If we’ve never met in person, interact with me here (wherever here is) and I’ll buy or cook you dinner, or else convince Brian May to do one or the other.

If you think you’ve caught me on something, take a look at the date and think, “Hey, I wonder how many he has saved up in case he forgets a day or two?” I’m OK with being a statistician if I have to be.

I got soups to cook and crackers to fix.

* Edit: It occurs to me that the logic regarding bets and Brian May and proving things isn’t very sound. Doesn’t matter. If Brian May reads any of my recipes, then logic prevails!

I dreamed up this almost-healthy soup on the way home today. I ended up really liking it and eating it too fast. If I do something similar again, I’ll need to remember to somehow make it less spicy for wimpves, which unfortunately means I’ll probably have to get rid of the jalapeños altogether.

Without further ado, my “recipe” for Avocado/Tomato/Onion Dynamite Soup:

–

Most of this is by weight. Deal with it. If you don’t have a scale in your kitchen, you need one.

• 1 tbsp olive oil (Fill in whatever fat you fancy, but don’t waste the EVOO, you Rachel-nancy.)
• 1Tbsp garlic (Call it two cloves if you like, that’s fine. I doubt your garlic “Tbsp” is as big as mine.)
• 1 tsp ginger (I used fresh, and so should you, but stuff from a jar will probably do.)
• 266g chopped onion (If onion’s your thing, and you think you’re gourmet, what I do with this stuff will cause you dismay.)
• 318g chopped roma tomatoes (See onions.)
• 50g chopped fresh jalapeños (Remove the seeds and the heat should be small. Remove the whole thing for no heat at all.)
• 226g (1 small can) tomato sauce (Given the time, this soup needs no can. I had only an hour, and I’m only a man.)
• 1 ounce Sherry (Use whichever booze you choose. Next time, instead, I’ll use a Red.)
• 2 cups chicken (or beef or veggie) stock (I used a carton from Wolfgang Puck. I’d render my own if I gave a fuck.)
• Salt, Pepper, Cumin, Paprika, Chipotle, Garlic powder (There’s no damn way I’ll get this to rhyme with “Scarborough Faire”)
• Lime juice & zest (I didn’t note how much I had. Too much zest would be, uh, bad.)
• 200g chopped baby carrots (I hate carrots, yes I do. But the fiber will make me go… be regular.)
• 300g avocado, half coarsely chopped, half almost pureed (If you like bathroom humor, like me, you’ll love this fruit’s etymology.)
• 42g grated sharp cheddar cheese (My wife and I would prefer much more, but volumetric shit damn calories #$%@ SON-OF-A-WHORE!)

If you’ve ever made any sort of soup, you can probably just take that list and do whatever you want with it. You’ll likely end up with something tasty. If you’ve never made any kind of soup, you could probably throw all that shit in a blender until it’s liquefied, then boil it for 30 minutes or so, and end up with something edible (as well as drinkable through a straw).

What I did was something in between the latter and a real soup recipe. Here it is, condensed:

1. Heat the oil over medium, in a medium to large saucepan.
2. Sweat the garlic, ginger, and a tiny handful of the chopped onion until shortly before the garlic turns brown.
3. Pour in the booze and scrape up whatever may have begun to stick to the pan.
4. Throw all the other veggies/fruits (except for the avocados & carrots) in the blender until it’s liquefied. Ha! Gotcha, veggie-lovers! Die, evil little healthy ingredients!
5. Pour the dead-veggie liquid & the stock into the pan and bring it to a boil.
6. Throw in the carrots, seasoned with the SPCPC&G and reduce heat a little.
7. Let everything reduce by about 1/4.
8. Thicken with the avocado puree.
9. Sprinkle the chopped avocado with the lime-stuff, some paprika, salt and pepper, then mix with the cheese.
10. Serve, and top with the avocado “salad”.

Makes about 3 servings that pack about 400 kCal and 8g of fiber. If you care how much fat/carbs are in there, figure it out yerdamself.

I loved it, but B didn’t. She ate most of hers, but not all of it. I’ll have to do some tweaking next time to get it closer to something she might really love.

ATTENTION: Friday will be Get Fat Friday at the Goldstein residence. We’ll be serving up tasty, slap-yo-mama (or mine, she’ll be there), home-cooked vittles, to wit, Turducken and other stuff for lunch, and broiled fish and other stuff for dinner.

Yeah, that’s right, bitches. Turducken. You know you want some. You folks who think Turducken is a joke that nobody ever REALLY eats are in for a surprise.

Call me. Let me know if you want to come for lunch, dinner, both, etc. I’m sure there will be some sort of non-eating activities throughout the day. Maybe movies, maybe poker. Maybe drinking. Maybe Uncle Jessie will get naked and dance for us. Who knows? To the dismay of some, my mother has been known to pole dance. You might not want to miss that.

Jim’s response was “[German.] Sushi. Thai. Italian. Steak. In that order.” I asked B to arrange the list herself in order of her preference. I sent her response to Jim: “Steak. Italian. Sushi. Thai. German.”

At this point, assigning aggregate scores based on a 1 to 5 ranking from only two subjects, Sushi was the clear winner with 7 points. Take note that steak currently had a lower score of 6, tying two ways with Italian and German, due to Jim ranking it dead last.

Gloria’s scores were then collected, which greatly upset the results of the survey. She chose to rank the choices thusly: “Thai. Italian. Steak. Sushi. German.” Thai and Italian were now tied to win with 10 points, with Steak and Sushi close behind at 9.

We then added in my scores. This was tough for me, because I love every one of these choices. It was very tough for me to choose a cuisine to award only a single point. Nevertheless, I was not in the mood for Italian, so I chose thusly*: “Steak. Sushi. German. Thai. Italian.” Steak was in the lead with 14 points, closely followed by sushi with 13.

With only one more subject left to submit her scores, we were fairly certain we knew what the outcome would be. When Jess cast her answers, our suspicions were confirmed: “Sushi. Italian. German. Steak. Thai.”

The final scores:

Sushi wins with 18 points
Steak comes in second with 16
Italian is the median with 15
Thai and German tie for least preferred with 13 points

After weeks of careful statistical analysis, it was decided that sushi would most highly please the most people, everyone on average would be OK with Italian, and on average, Thai and German would displease the most people, since it’s overall average score was lower than median (3).

So, we all set out to eat sushi. We were very proud of this system. Jim and I planned to write a thesis on our methods and results. We were destined for academic renown.

The controversy began with a startling phone call. Jim instructed his research assistant to contact me with the news that he (Jim) had vetoed sushi. To put it mildly, I was disappointed that Jim, my highly esteemed partner in science, would be so cavalier with empirical data and deep, indisputable analysis.

I responded with the assertion that he had as much right as I did to utilize his veto power, but that the results of such an upset would be placed squarely on his shoulders: he must choose the new selection. His choice would be final, and the rest of the test subjects would have to live with the consequences.

After a brief interval, Jim’s shocking answer arrived: “Steak.” He chose to override the scientific result with the choice he himself had ranked as his lowest preference.

Steak. After all that gruelling lab work, Jim decided we should eat the food he ranked dead last in his own survey answers.

Most of us enjoyed our meal, though two participants ended up sharing their entrees due to a miscommunication with the food service professionals at our chosen dining establishment, which, for the sake of anonymity, we will call “Texas Lard & Colitis”.

Everyone involved learned a great deal from this experience. Perhaps next time we utilize this method, we’ll use a broader sampling base and truly let the numbers decide.

* In the interest of full disclosure, my ranking of German at 3 may have been biased by my desire not to make my beautiful wife eat food she does not enjoy. However, this most likely did not greatly affect the overall accuracy of the survey, given that I still ranked it in the middle rather than last. Therefore, ceteris paribus, my scores were a fairly accurate and thorough representation of my preferences at the moment.

New Dish: Racial Slur

Originally uploaded by farrisgoldstein.

In 5 seconds flat I went from “Hmmm, nobody to feed but myself, what kind of junk should I scarf?” to “Alright, let’s do something REALLY stupid!”

The result, which you see above, was defrigginlicious. I guess the best, concise description I can give it is “pan-fried noodles with shrimp, avocado, and, uhhh… other shit.” I wanted to give it a name that would offend the various ethnicities that inspired the dish just as much as the ingredients are sure to do. However, “Spicslope Nigger Pie” just doesn’t sound appetizing, so I settled on “Racial Slur.”

Without further ado, the recipe:

In a large skillet over medium heat, throw a few slashes of olive oil and a half-tablespoon of peanut butter (trut me on this), and another half-tablespoon (or more) of sesame oil and stir slowly until simmering. Add some garlic, minced. How much? I can’t answer that. I used a shitload, because I love it. Just before the garlic begins to brown, add some peeled shrimp. Just as the shrimp begin to turn pink add some fresh ground pepper, a tiny bit of kosher salt, and the juice of one lime wedge.

About this time, drop a package of ramen (i used chicken-flavor) in boiling water. Leave it in just long enough to blanch it and barely break it apart, then remove it, strain it, and add it to the other pan. Quickly toss to coat the noodles in oil. Add the ramen seasoning, another few grinds of pepper and a few pinches of ground chipotle.

Toss the noodle mass to one side of the pan and add a whole egg to the empty side. Scramble lightly, and scrape the pan gently until the egg is not quite cooked to medium. Turn off the heat.
Transfer everything to your plate. Sprinkle with cashews and crushed red pepper. Top with one avocado, cubed. Garnish with wedges of lime. Serve.

At this point, I tasted the dish and it was great, but after lightly salting the avocados and squeezing another wedge or two of lime on them, it was absolutely perfect. Like eating an orgasm.

I’d apologize for the heretical fusion of mismatched cuisines… If, you know… I gave a shit.

The food is great, but the clincher is the beandip. I have never had hummus anywhere else that was as tasty and smooth as this stuff. Several people, some of them self-proclaimed Middle Eastern food experts, have assured me that Ali Baba’s hummus is decent but not excellent. Well, then I don’t like excellent hummus. I like this hummus. This dilettante’s tongue would rather have Ali Baba’s hummus than any other, store-bought or homemade.

I just finished off the balance of last night’s shish tawook, and there are still two or three wedges of pita and a few hefty daubs of the precious bean paste left. I’m full of Coke and chicken, ready to burst. But I will finish this formidable pile of counterintuitively copacetic cream if it’s the last thing I do.

And with stark irony, after the meal I rushed home to meat, er, meet one of the elite few vegetarians I call friend. Dave came by to take a look at the Mrs., as he needs a vehicle and doesn’t have much dough at present. When he gets back from touring with some people, he might buy her off of me. I need to get the title and stuff from Mama.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush fish with olive oil, rub each with minced garlic, and season with lemon juice, lemon pepper, and chipotle. Drop fish in bread crumbs for an even coat on both sides. Bake for 30 minutes in pan with thin layer of olive oil.

Cut up potatoes with skin still on and boil for 10 to 15 minutes. Drain and whip to desired consistency, adding minced garlic, basil*, and 1/4 cup butter. Add milk or cream if desired.

Melt remaining butter in shallow pan. Add cream, whisky, lemon juice, lemon pepper, parsley, and chipotle. Heat carefully until sauce is even. Do not scorch cream.

Serve fish and potatoes with sauce drizzled on top.

* – Use fresh basil if you can. I didn’t have any when I was creating this recipe. Remember, when using fresh spices, use more than you would if using dried, and try to add them close to the end of cooking.

Any ideas for a good name for this dish? B says it’s the best thing I’ve cooked so far.

I’ve also come up with a half-ass attempt at documenting the chili I cooked last night. More about that later. Here’s the “recipe” I came up with.

Farris?s Green-and-Red-Makes-Brown Chili

2 to 5 pounds of cubed or chopped beef
olive oil
Salt, black pepper, lemon pepper, garlic powder, chili powder, ground cayenne pepper, ground paprika, dried chipotle, ground cumin, brown sugar (a pinch of each)
2 bunches of green onions, finely chopped
2 red peppers, finely chopped
2 green peppers, finely chopped
2 yellow peppers, finely chopped
1 green bell pepper, coarsely chopped
1 yellow bell pepper, coarsely chopped
A pinch of garlic powder
A @#%!-load of cilantro, half of it finely chopped
Several leaves of fresh basil
4 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 cloves of garlic, roasted
1 pinch of garlic powder
Any other garlic you might find hidden in your refrigerator
2 small cans tomato sauce
1 can beef broth
3 or 4 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce
A small handful of cornstarch
Grated assortment of cheeses
A bit more garlic powder
Anything else you might think sounds cool along the way.

Heat oil to medium in large pot. Add minced and chopped garlic to oil. Liquefy half the veggies in blender, saut? other half in oil. Add meat, spices, and remaining garlic. Allow meat to half-brown. Pour in liquid ingredients, including liquefied veggies. Cover and reduce heat to low. Allow to simmer 4 to 6 years for full flavor. 4 to 6 hours will do in a pinch. Thicken with cornstarch. Top with cheese.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something, but that’s a lot of shit.